I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
