our cab driver is having phone sex.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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