I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
