Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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