I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
