May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The air was thick with penises
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
