Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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