They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
