it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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