Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
