There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Please, let me fuck your mom
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
