Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
