I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
