I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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