the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How does it feel to date your dad?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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