I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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