Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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