I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
