i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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