Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
