If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize