Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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