i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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