Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
