Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
