Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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