you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
