I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
third nipple confirmed
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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