He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
