im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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