I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The air taste purple.
Randomize
