dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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