Someone shit on the floor
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
