1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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