Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
