true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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