I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
