So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
