38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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