May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
