I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
