Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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