I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
