I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
