Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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