Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can't turn off my feet"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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