Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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