Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
