im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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