Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
