i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
barbara walters just said penis...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
