Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
