I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
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you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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