Dude my mom stole all your condoms
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
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If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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