it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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