did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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