she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
