I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
