Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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