my phone needs a breathalizer
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
